Friday, April 18, 2003

Q*bert


Cubeless education - is a deadly evil.
Cubeless educators are evil bastards.
Humans are dumb, educated stupid,
and evil. They don't want to know
Nature's Cubic Order of Creation.


I wish I was that crazy. Whenever somebody asked me why I wasn't paying back my student loans yet, I would just direct them to my website, they would read it and then decide that there are other people on this planet who can deal with the likes of that crazy bastard.

Your right about my wife, of course. Where the hell is she? As for my rants - I gave you two - three if you count Threepio.

We waited all day until 15:62 - where were you?

WTF?


Wow. The Time Cube debate is immense and stupefying. All the same, I sent Dr. Gene, a man made God or vice-versa?, a bid to enhance his website. Specifically, I told him that I could code it to change its theme in response to the Homeland Threat Level and, of course, the 4 day natural cycle.

As for your other rants, Brian, I'm still ready.

BTW, how is Michelle? She never posts, so I have no idea....

?



The Time Cube

"I am not a crank! Who told you that? Was it Mother?"

What have you done for me lately? Part II


UNITED NATIONS, April 17 -- Russia, France and other key Security Council members set the stage today for a new battle over Iraq, signaling that the United States must give the United Nations a broader role in reconstruction efforts before sanctions can be lifted.

[ . . . ]State Department spokesman Richard A. Boucher said today the council must "accept the fact that with the fall of the Saddam Hussein regime, the need for economic sanctions goes away."

But Russian Foreign Minister Igor Ivanov, speaking in Moscow, said economic sanctions cannot be lifted until a number of conditions required by Security Council resolutions -- including proof that Iraq has fully disarmed -- have been met.
[More . . . ]

Note to the Iraqi citizenry: due to the recent unpleasantries between our country and your former government, you may not have caught much of the news, but these would be the same "key Security Council members" who wanted to leave you to your former dictator. Russia is on record as stating that there was no need for inspections, but now seems to feel that since the triggerman has left the building, we need to have more of them. Preferably a few Russian inspectors with Putin on the speed dial.

Of course, this is the American media, so we must always read the last paragraphs, if we read nothing else in the story:
A French official said it was premature to discuss whether only the United Nations could confer legitimacy on a new Iraqi government. "There is a new spirit to frame the problems one by one, and try to find a global solution -- a good role for the U.N., a good role for the U.S. and British forces, and for the EU, if there is one [a role]," the French official said.

Asked to define a legitimate government, the official said it must "represent the Iraqi people, and it is better achieved with a multilateral process, something under the aegis of the U.N."

Where are the Jacobins when we really need them? They would've multilateralled Chirac straight into the guillotine.
Jacksonian (Janet) Foreign Policy: the Nasty solution for the 21st c.

Thursday, April 17, 2003

Iraqis ask American Activists: "What have you done for me lately?"


Hawks May Rule, but This Dove Perseveres


NEW YORK -- She had the television on last week, watching the video of Saddam Hussein's statue toppling and listening as a Greek chorus of cable pundits scolded any who dared oppose this war.

Leslie Cagan is a professional dove in the day of the hawk.

"The world is swimming around us now," she said. "It's the nature of the beast. We're entering a new and complicated moment."

The moment is called "Get a Clue" and many of us were already familiar with it. It is presently being sponsored by the "Callous Dowboys" and the "Rapers Of Tiny Children" who you've spent your life railing against.
On Feb. 15, she organized the New York demonstration that became a link in a chain of protests girding the globe. Coalitions of the willing aside, the U.N. Security Council had become a repository of antiwar sentiment. Just maybe, she thought, the world was changing. . . .

Then . . . Marines landed, tanks rolled and bombs fell. The dove position took an unpleasant slide in polls, until about 75 percent of Americans supported the invasion.

And Iraqis were free to talk to their family and neighbors without worrying about being ratted out to the Baathist thugs who had been running the show since the Nixon administration.
So what now for the peace movement? Cagan, 55, a stocky New York native with steel-gray hair and a lifetime spent in the movement, shrugs. She's had bad years -- and not-so-hot decades -- before.

Let's a get a few things straight, she's had five, maybe six good years, from 1967 to 1973. After that, most Americans became too concerned with disco, hair dryers and bad polyester. The next thing you knew, Reagan was saving Western Civilization as we know it from Godless Commie hordes with the full support of the electorate and The Dems are rushing to prove to the country just how close to the right they are - especially where matters of state are concerned.
Cagan's is a story writ large now, as the American left regroups yet again after failing to stop the invasion. Some activists watch some Iraqis garland U.S. troops and speak of faith shaken. Cagan is not one of them. She sympathizes with those celebrating in Baghdad but remains convinced that war and killing thousands of civilians were no good means to an end.

"Our objection to going to war is not diminished by the fact that Saddam Hussein is no longer in power, because I was always very critical of him," she said. "We want to talk about the occupation and about our massive ability to kill and overpower. We want to look at what that's doing to us as a nation."

They failed to stop the invasion, they failed to get the Inspectors back in there, they failed to keep us out of there in 1991, they failed to notice massive human rights abuses through the 80s and 90s in any country other than the ones they were living in. Learn to like the word failure, lady.

What is this doing to us as a nation? Bad country songs, so far. Tim Robbins getting free press despite the decided lack of a blockbuster since Shawshank. Noam Chomsky and Michael Moore selling books. Fox News kicking the crap out of CNN. IOW, nothing particularly new. The backdrop is the only thing that has changed.
Last October the chieftains of the left turned to Cagan to help fashion an antiwar movement out of the cacophonous many. She found a characteristically left-liberal state of affairs: If 34 antiwar activists crowded into a room, they'd have 35 opinions. There were button-down Methodists from Missouri, sensible Quakers from Bucks County, Pa., and pierced-tongue anti-corporate globalistas from Evergreen College in Oregon. (Of the major antiwar organizing groups, only ANSWER, the Marxist-Leninist grouping that glorifies North Korea, remained outside that tent.) .

So where did all the other commies at the protests come from? Who was that in DC last weekend trying to sell me a copy of Worker's World Daily? Musta been the non-ANSWER commies.
Cagan's success -- the February demonstration in New York City drew at least 250,000 people and a March parade drew another several hundred thousand -- has earned her notoriety with conservatives. The New York Daily News ran an op-ed column calling on the marchers to suspend their rallies in the interests of national security. Insight Magazine called Cagan a Marxist agitator who has "roots in old Soviet . . . agitprop." Others denounced her for letting various flavors of Trotskyites and Maoists join the antiwar marches.

Cagan shakes off such criticism as the wages of organizing. She's inclined to action, not self-doubt. She reviews the great issues of the 20th century, from civil rights to Vietnam to the Cold War, and proclaims no regrets. "I don't mean to sound arrogant, but on the big issues confronting humanity, we were right," she said. "And when the Soviet Union fell there was no brake on the United States."

And on the issues confronting reality, you were dead wrong. The question of ownership of private property? Seems like folks wanted to own their own. Socialized government services? Ask a Canadian on a transplant list. Right to work? Go find a French Laborer confined to a 35 hour week.

As for the last sentence, I honestly don't know where to begin. Let's just say that it speaks for itself. If you're of the opinion that the Soviet Empire was a needed ying to our yang, that it was Smithers to our Burns, well, then there's nothing left to talk about.
And when the Soviet Union fell there was no brake on the United States

I don't know how to break this to you . . .



C3PO tape dispenser, circa 1977

But 3PO was remarkably gay. Even the people at 3M knew it. Just look at this. He's not reclining, he's lounging, fer chrissake! Somebody get that droid a Mai Tai - and a wrap - this Tatoine sun is brutal!

There are any number of truly harsh things that we must learn around puberty, and Star Wars presented us with any number of them. Han is cooler then Luke, even though the movies are about the farmboy. That one bugged me. Vader was an efficient administrator. Greedo had it coming. Oh, and 3PO was as gay as a treeful of canaries.
Why do you think he tried to slap away Artoo's holograph of the princess? She was upstaging his close up!

Actual IM to my little sister

Every application I send out makes me feel like C3PO talking to Owen Lars on Tattooine:
Owen - What I really need is someone who understands the binary language of load lifters.
C3PO - That is very similar to Bacci, which I am well-versed in, as well as six million other forms of communication.

Or some such.

You know, the more I think about it, the more sympathetic I am to him. He just wanted people to love him. He just wanted to contribute. Instead people saw C3PO as harsh, condescending even1. Instead, I see him as the unsung hero of the Star Wars saga.

1. Inside joke. I was once called "harsh and condescending" in a performance review.

Another Lion in Winter, Complex Color Schemes, and My New Favorite Ads

In order:
  1. Kate Mulgrew should clearly be Eleanor in the remake
  2. oh, puh-leez. I don't know where you found those designers, Brian, but I've already redesigned the Comfy Chair so we can post while we duck and cover!
  3. I love the ads I've seen here (although the thought of "midget bukakke porn" is highly disturbing) and here. I know they're fake, but I feel this overwhelming desire to buy some Pumas!
    Smithers: "So you'll be making that donation now, sir?" Burns: "Uhm, no, I don't think so."

Well, I guess that answers that



"There'll be pork in the treetops come morning!" --Eleanor of Aquitaine

Wednesday, April 16, 2003

Terror Alert Falls From FF9900 to FFFF00



WASHINGTON - The Bush administration lowered the national terror alert level to "FFFF00" Wednesday, suggesting the threat of terrorism linked to the war in Iraq has abated.
Ongoing reviews of intelligence regarding the threat of terrorist attacks against Americans led to the decision to lower the alert level to mid-range on the five-tier danger scale, said Brian Roehrkasse, a spokesman for the Department of Homeland Security.
The threat level was raised to FF9900, meaning a "high" risk of terrorist attacks, on March 17, days before the war began. The new lower level signifies an "elevated" risk. FFFF00 is the middle level; FF9900 is the second highest, and FF0000 the highest.
[More . . .]

HTML designers shouted in joy as FFFF00 is much easier to scheme to then FF9900 or the dreaded FF0000.
"While 009900 is an ideal color to scheme to, we still protest the decision of the Homeland Security Department that removed 000000 from the threat warnings. It's not that we're particularly lazy or anything, it's just much easier to scheme to 000000," said HTML designer Timmy Larsen who swears he's "got like five, maybe six websites I'm doing for pay right now. Mad money for mad skillz, y'know?"

I always miss the ceremony when Tom Ridge uses his copy of the Constitution as the "Threat Board Pointer."

Seeing a common thread...

...where one perhaps does not exist? Let's see:
American hearts significantly dropped today on the report that Australian kangaroo troopers had captured the terrorists in Iraq, meaning that the war on terror has officially been won. According to an interview given to Fox News, Col. Jerry O'Connell's hopping troops found every last terrorist. Capt. Wil Wheaton reported that "this stage of the war was simply to win, [...] and, of course, provide the necessary victory that will help lower the risk of heart attacks." Lance Corporal Corey Feldman cheered on, saying, "Next stop, France!"
Sorry, but the only way I can get to sleep at night is knowing that the people - and animals - of Australia will stand by me.

Winning World Cup Lowers Heart Attack Deaths-Study


LONDON (Reuters) - Winning soccer's World Cup not only lifts a nation's spirits, it lowers the death rate from heart attacks, doctors said on Tuesday.
During the 1998 World Cup when France defeated Brazil in the final, deaths from heart attacks in men and women dropped on the day of the match, which was watched by 26 million French TV viewers.
Instead of about 33 deaths a day in the five days before and after the match, 23 men died of a heart attack on match day. There were also fewer deaths in women but the decrease was not as significant.
[More . . . ]

Doctors involved the study also admitted to just making this stuff up to sell medical journals.
"Are smokers more likely to be involved in car accidents?" one reporter from UPI asked.
Dr. Frederic Berthier, of Nice Teaching Hospital, looked around for a smoker and upon finding one asked, "Hey Pierre, you smoke like an Iraqi oilfield, you ever been in a car accident?"
"Nope."
"There you have it folks, smokers are less likely to involved in car accidents. Masturbation to prevent colon cancer? Sure. Cross dressing to combat strokes? Yeah, whatever."
"Look, we've got magazine subscriptions to sell just like everybody else. I thought I was going to be practicing medicine, but it turns out I'm still going door to door selling
Grit just like I did when I was ten."
Dr. Berthier left the conference promising a new study to be released tomorrow promoting the link between strip clubs and a healthy prostate.

I got throught it without making any French jokes! Yeah!

We knew this day would come . . .



STARVING kangaroos have besieged several towns in central Victoria, sparking renewed calls for a cull. The prolonged drought has forced thousands of kangaroos out of forests and into back yards and public land. Some Heathcote and Rushworth residents are in fear after reports of huge mobs attacking and killing a local dog. "There's an anecdote of a kangaroo attacking and killing a dog," Mr Maughan said. "And clearly children that go out on their own are at risk of being attacked." [More . . . ]

The best we can hope for a quick and savage end to this fight. May the best species win.
Quick, send that guy from Sliders, he always knows what to do!

Tuesday, April 15, 2003

You Like Apples?


Well how do you like them apples?!?
WASHINGTON - U.S. commandos in Baghdad have captured Abul Abbas, the leader of the violent Palestinian group that killed an American on the hijacked cruise liner Achille Lauro in 1985, U.S. officials said Tuesday. [More . . . ]

Shoot little old men in wheelchairs, will you? Ha!
Sacre Bleu! L'Terroriste en Baghdad? Non, non, c'est impossible!!

Link-O-Rama


Dude, get over your HREFs . . .
"She said google me, so I did, and that's the whole truth, yer honor!"

Horseshoes, hand grenades, and WMD


Close! Actually, it's Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton!

Only after Andrew Sullivan goes on vacation


Does this story come out about life and love at the NYTimes:
According to insiders, Raines is the kind of 1950s-style autocrat who manages through humiliation and fear. Aside from right-hand men Gerald Boyd and Andy Rosenthal and a core of loyalists, morale is said to be at a new low. There are many rooms in that palace and nobody sees the whole picture. But, says one source, "the old timers who lived through the worst of [former executive editor] Abe Rosenthal say they have never seen anyone be so arrogant, so petty, so mean. Vindictiveness is in." Another source says, "It's no longer about managing down. It's about paying obeisance to the king." Among cognoscenti, 43rd Street is now known as the "republic of fear." [More . . . ]

My newspaper already has it's own march!

Answer


Malcolm Williamson, President and CEO of VISA Int'l, the world's largest consumer credit company.
"You get my *what* if I don't meet this month's minimum?

Shall we play a game?


Identify the speaker?
The quote: "I think you could argue that the kind of work ethic, postponement of gratification, and other attributes that are historically associated with capitalism are being undermined by consumer capitalism."

Don't cheat and Google it!

Soup anyone?


Follow the gourd!

No, follow the shoe!

Sorry, Brian.

So it was you?


Who posted that great quote on NRO?

Yes, I read National Review Online occassionally. 'Course, I'm also listening to the Beastie Boys while I do it. You know, for balance.

King of the Road Redux


It has been rumoured that Rod was distracted by the lush, beautiful spring lawn in that L.A. 'burb. When taken to the hospital he was overheard to say "Can't we all just get a lawn?"
It is the lowest form of humus -- earthy wit that every one digs

Not just jihad, ...


...but Butlerian Jihad. I didn't realize the Taliban had a beef with electronics, but it's reasonable.

Thanks for the link to Reason. Looks pretty kewl.

Mr. Laasch has no idea why he used the alternative form of cool. His use should not in any way be interpretted as a switch to the lingo of kids today. Can you believe it's 72 degrees in NYC right now? (c) 2003 Shawn Laasch, all riechts reserved.

Dear Citizen,



Greetings from the provisional government! We'd like to thank you for all the patience you've shown in the rocky transition to democracy. In the year since Operation Iraqi Freedom began, we have made tremendous strides toward bringing your country at least as much self-government as is found in Turkey, Florida, and other places you may have seen on CNN, the BBC, or the new Fox-Jazeera. While we have yet to hold any actual elections, we're making real progress toward that day—just this month, for example, we enacted Iraq's first campaign finance reform. [More . . .]

"Wait until we tell you how you're going to get driver's licenses from now on!"

Answers



TANFJ = There ain't no justice

Rod had a coupla million sitting around after paying off his attorneys. And, the last time Rodney was picked up by the police, the cops called a local television station to film the arrest before they even got out of their squad cars. This guy is going to become the poster boy for tort reform, but then again, most of us say that at least twice a year.

As for the picture - "Here, hold onto this. It's the same stuff they use in Pyongyang and Damascus."

"Oh yeah? Charlie didn't card me! Where's *my* parade?"

King of the Road


How did Rodney afford a brand new Ford Xped after paying off the blood-sucking, er, I mean, ... colleagues of yours, Brian?

And please xlate if TANFJ doesn't stand for "This is not a joke."

Spring Cleaning



Below is an image with the following caption: A U.S. special operations soldier collects weapons from a house in Baghdad today.



I'm torn on my pithy follow-up. Maybe someone can help?
A) Say, we ran out of rockets while destroying some vestiges of resistance. Could we borrow a couple of rockets? Thanks!
B) I am so embarrassed that they took these. Kids, stay away from the American weapons depots! I'm not going to tell you again!
C) And you thought you had the right to bear arms in America? Show me one house with those puppies in 'em.

King recovering after slamming his vehicle into house


http://www.heraldtribune.com/
The Associated Press - Rodney King, whose videotaped beating led to the 1992 riots in Los Angeles, remains in a hospital after he lost control of his car and crashed into a house over the weekend, police said.
King, 39, of Rialto was spotted Sunday by a Rialto police officer, who said King was weaving through traffic in his 2003 Ford Expedition and traveling about 100 mph when he slammed into a utility pole, a chain-link fence and then the home, police said. No one in the home was injured.
King broke his pelvis in the accident and was taken to Arrowhead Regional Medical Center in Colton where he was listed in fair condition Monday afternoon, hospital spokesman Jorge Valencia said.
Police said they suspect that King was intoxicated at the time of the accident, and a blood sample was drawn to determine his blood-alcohol level. Test results have not yet been released.

And I'm driving a twelve year old Korean subcompact while worrying about bankruptcy and employment.
TANFJ.

An Authentic Midwestern Voice



Don't screw with James Lileks, he can weave more Simpsons, Star Trek and Star Wars references into any one column on property taxes then any other author out there. His genius reveals itself.

And Al Roker did a spot on The Food Network on the Gallery of Regrettable Food

Where did Brian find the guy for the last post?


Gallery of Regretable Food? That's how you found him, right? Or do you just have a 24/7 active web bot that finds these things for you?

Just breaking things up. Nothing else to see here. These aren't the 'droids you're looking for. Move along.

Damn Dirty Apes!


This is why Lileks will be remembered as one of the treasures of early 21st c. Am.Lit.:
It’s one of Charleton Heston’s series of Hey-Your-Future-SUCKS movies: the two Apes films, Omega Man, Soylent Green. Miserable dystopias, all of them. But BTPOTA trumps them all, since it not only ends with its hero dead - a requirement of 70s sci-fi - it destroys the entire planet, thanks to a “cobalt-jacket” nuclear bomb that has remained operational for 1,900 years. Oh, it’s a merry denouement: first the pretty feral woman “Nova” is shot in the neck, then James Franciscus is machine-gunned, then Heston gets a lead infusion, surviving long enough to push the plunger and incinerate the planet. (All astronauts know exactly which Lucite dowel triggers a nuke.) Gee, thanks, man; nice going. Granted, the apes are rather . . . excitable at this point, but how about giving them a few thousand years to figure it out and learn to chill it, ape-style? You rail against the bastards who destroyed the world; you damn-them-all-to-hell, etc., but at least they didn’t blow off this big bad uber-bomb and harsh the planet’s mellow for ever after.

(James Lileks on Beneath the Planet of the Apes.)

Monday, April 14, 2003

Fashion and Self Protection



In case of emergency, when you find yourself in a scene, possibly involving a biologic or chemical agent (1), you should try to protect your airway. Our consumer neckwear may be important when moments count in an emergency.



Do you suppose Tom Ridge wears these things?

U.S. Interview Iraqi Nuclear Scientist


WASHINGTON - An Iraqi nuclear scientist has surrendered to authorities in a Middle Eastern country and is being interviewed by American officials, a U.S. official said Monday.
Jafar Jafar is believed to know key people and locations of facilities connected to Iraq's nuclear weapons program, the official said, speaking on the condition of anonymity. The official declined to specify what country was holding him.

Jafar?!?

Agrabah is holding him, you fools!!!

Yeah!!! The Djinn are on our side (for a change)

Freaky cat, man. Job front: am I qualified to be a modeling talent scout? Hmmmm.

Is there anyway to turn your Big Mo' page into a Where's Waldo game?

Where's Mo? could have black berets on a world map, indicating sightings. People could be encouraged to make life-size cardboard cut-outs of Big Mo and take pictures of him in front of world monuments.

I have just too much time on my hands, I guess.





"Foolish Human! Now that I have the power of speech you must obey me! Obey Me!"



Sunday, April 13, 2003

With apologies to Tom Robbins: Can o' beans gets a new lease on life.

I thought this guy was pretty wacked. Then I remembered that I'm the one who carries a survival kit in his briefcase to work each day.


Speaking of shark jumping . . . .
"I was on the internet within minutes to register my displeasure . . . "
The only people who find a gay Homer Simpson funny are the writers - why is this so? When Harvey Fierstein fell for Homer, that was one thing. Now we're just into it for cheap thrills. It's almost like Bart is still paying guys to kiss each other.

"Hey did we ever see that money?"

Weird Al Cameo - and about damn time!

Hmmmm. Jump the Shark....

Yup. That works! :)

So therefore, the link to Brian's Minister page would be Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf :: The Unofficial Fan Club Homepage of Baghdad Bob. I still think it's better than the one that's been making the rounds!

So did you figure out how to post links? I see you figured out pics.

As for who's to blame, well that's pretty darned obvious, isn't it?

We're all to blame!

Some of us just figured that the whole Minister al-Shahaf thing would've gone the way of the 'Elite' Republican Guard last Wednesday.

This is why I don't run businesses - great ideas, bad follow through.

B

You know, http://ministeralsahaf.port5.com/ seems to have just as much content as welovetheiraqiinformationminister.com

and an easier URL, to boot!

sweeeet!

hmm. looks like we're not able to host images. what about links?

much better -- email was filling up way too quickly. now we'll have a place to post our lego forms, pictures of flaming protestors, and discussion of who's to blame -- Rod Paige, the Baptist Press, or the Washington Post.

We're Live.