Saturday, September 06, 2003

ZAZ proven correct - Again!

TMC last night showed Naked Gun, Top Secret! and Airplane! back to back to back. A truly glorious evening thanks to the miracle of the glass tit.

Hillary Flammond: My name is Hillary.
Nick Rivers: Hillary. That's an unusual name.
Hillary Flammond: It's a German name. It means 'she whose bosoms defy gravity'.
Nick Rivers: I'm pleased to meet you. My name's Nick.
Hillary Flammond: Nick? What does that mean?
Nick Rivers: Oh, nothing. My dad thought of it while he was shaving.

But wait, there's more:
Hillary is Most Poisoned Baby Name in History
* A posting by Matt

According to data published by the Social Security Administration, the name Hillary is the most severely poisoned baby name in history. Hillary had been steadily climbing the baby name charts since the 1960s, when it first graced the Top 1000, becoming the 136th most common name for baby girls in 1992. But the name sharply reversed course in 1993, smashing several longstanding records for name contamination in its plunge from the Top 1000 girl names last year.

The title for the most rapid case of name contamination had been held by Ebenezer and then Adolph, names that were shunned by parents after they became associated with Dickens's miserly banker and the Nazi dictator Hitler. But while Ebenezer and Adolph each took over 30 years to fall from the Top 1000 after they were negatively associated with their prominent name sakes, Hillary dropped off the charts in just 10 years, upsetting the prior records in less than 30% of the time. Besides this achievement, Hillary also set records for largest drop in a single year (295 places in 1994), two years (420 places in 1993-1994) and ten years (>864 from 1993 to 2002). These titles taken together constitute the grand slam of name poisoning.
[More . . . ]

"If they find out you've seen this, your life will be worth less than a truckload of dead rats in a tampon factory."

Counter Convention 2004

I have signed you up to go as our rep. Don't let us down.
Go to Directory of Groups, search for
Scroll through the groups, especially the 'legitimate' ones at the bottom. Now you know the answer why the American Left is completely discredited.

Friday, September 05, 2003


From Lileks:
I was nowhere near New York when it happened, of course. But you’d have to be unusually thick not to see that this was the start of something that would affect more than the lower portion of the island of Manhattan. I don’t know what compelled me to grab the videocam off the shelf and start shooting, but I’m glad I did, because what I caught captured something I needed to remember: the TV has the picture of the twin towers engulfed in smoke: my little 14 month old child is grinning with unbearable delight, holding out her Elmo phone. Hi! Hi! Hi! Jasper’s in the corner of the picture, on his back, paws up, whimpering; whatever I was giving off, he got. But Gnat was in Elmo-world, a happy little place in which she’d always be safe, and I’m wondering if her future will be all downhill from here.

At that point I thought the fires might go out. I thought the towers might be saved. Then they fell. And you knew that the future had just taken the wrong exit.

Angry? Almost two years later I’m still f*#king furious about it, if you want to know the truth. I’m not sure what emotion these people want me to have. An appropriate amount of sadness mixed with an appropriate amount of shame mixed with a soupcon of perspective and a dram of self-hatred? Can you send me the precise recipe, please? Because from where I stand, I see the two forces I thought the left deplored: religious intolerance and fascism. Together at last! Swirled into one cone! If Kluxers had flown planes into the UN building, these people would be insisting that America was bubbling over with millions of Bubbanazis, and the failure of the networks to mount Second Anniversary specials would be proof that the media secretly embraced the White Power agenda.
[More . . . ]

Last year I had to postpone quitting smoking because of my anger. This year I think I'll just get drunk.

Thursday, September 04, 2003

Clang, clang, clang went the Psychos!

Rosie O'Donnell, left, puckers up for a kiss with Boy George in New York, Wednesday, Sept. 3, 2003. O'Donnell, producer of the upcoming Broadway musical 'Taboo,' held a news conference with George, the show's star, lyricist and composer, to talk about thier new show.

It never says "In costume for a full dress rehearsal."

For the truly anal retentive, the full lyrics can be found here


"What are you doing in there, Shawn?"

"Uh, I'm uh, fighting cancer!"

"Ok, no more Doonesbury for you, buddy!"

For the record, I'm working for my brother-in-law's father's company. Training is from 7pm to midnight (when it happens), and it's being led by my brother-in-law and his best friend. I have a lot of leeway for now. Which allows me a lot of time to improve the health of my prostate.

I Thought You Had a Job

I'm self-employed, so that's my excuse.

Political relevance and the distance to D.C. are as accurate an indicator of political validity as Adam Sandler is an indicator of humor in a movie.

Tom Berenger rates a 0.003593466424682396

Wednesday, September 03, 2003

Now that we have the calculator, we need some more tools

Had to change the calculator to remove some of the repeated "Divide By Zero" problems I was getting. Now the formula looks like this:
((a/(MV+1)) * ((oN+1)/(o+1)))/NM

I'll configure a script to harvest IMDB with a preference to young actors with little experience and little critical notice.

Give me a second to look at some preliminary results.


This is disturbing.

How did Paris Hilton's political opinions suddenly gain such importance?

I love the fact that you are now saying that your opinion means less than mine because you're farther away from DC than I am.

If only there were some automated way to determine who's opinion is more valid than mine

You can stop your wishing! Now that there is a patent pending method available from Brian Bennett, Esq., you can determine relative opinion importance automatically using the following tool:

I'm such a tool!

Actor's Opinion Point Zero Two Percent More Valid Then Yours

HOLLYWOOD star Johnny Depp said today the United States was a stupid, aggressive puppy and he would not live there until the political climate changed.

The 40-year-old actor, who stars in the "Pirates of the Caribbean", told the German news magazine Stern he was happier staying in the south of France with his wife, French actress and singer Vanessa Paradis, and their two children.

"America is dumb, it's like a dumb puppy that has big teeth that can bite and hurt you, aggressive," he said.
[More . . . ]

Johnny Depp has opinions about Iraq. He is forty years old and has made thirty-three movies. Tom Hanks, if he has oipinions about Iraq, keeps them to himself. He is forty-seven years old and has made forty movies.

If we were to express this mathematically, we could divide age by movies completed (a/MV), multiply by the ratio of Oscars Nominations to Oscars ((oN/o)+1) - adding one to make for a whole integer and then divide the whole works by the distance from their homes to Washington DC as described by Nautical Miles (NM)

Hanks: (47/40 * (5/2)+1)/2006 = .0020500998, or Mr. Hank's opinion of world events is .02% more important then yours. But Compare:

Depp: (40/33 * (0/0)+1)/3590 = .002076475, or Mr. Depp's opinion of world events is also .02% more important then yours.

And they said that someday algebra was going to save your life!

Tuesday, September 02, 2003

It's like I tell the D.A.'s

Whenever they begin to roll their eyes at me when I bring up some obscure point in the law - like Miranda or Probable Cause - "Damn those pesky constitutional requirements! Don't they just get in your way?"

Frankly, Moussaoui has some pretty compelling arguments. Back when I gave a damn about those things (prior to 5/12/2003 - the date I was laid off in DC and came back to God's Country) I liked following his case. He's smart enough to be annoying, and dangerous enough to be treated like plutonium. He seldom puts on the Ayatollah Hat and goes ballistic on his lady judge, and very rarely will you hear him doing anything merely to annoy the opposition. As a matter of fact, it always seemed to me that he was running his case off the Editorial page of the WaPo - everytime they would have an editorial wondering why there weren't more witnesses, he would file a motion to compel discovery re: eyewitnesses.

But in the end, he's just one murderous bastard who has the distinction of missing his flight.

Frankly, I think the fact that he's not in Gitmo speaks well of the DoJ's respect for the courts. They could've kangaroo-d him out of the country months ago and nobody would've said a word.

In the end, and I mean a thousand years from now, the Martian Historians will be impressed with the restraint the Americans used with the Islamoid killbots. Cf: Rome and Carthage. Carthage Delando Est - but Bagdhad Non Delando Est also