Wednesday, April 28, 2004

GOP Unviels New Republican Attack Machine

The new 65 ton Orphan-Powered 84mm Quad Missile Republican Attack Machine

HOUSTON - (BFB) The GOP unvieled their new Republican Attack Machine in a brief, but bloody press conference on Tuesday.

The New Republican Attack Machine weighs in excess of 60 tons and has an effective range of 16 miles on a full fuel load of 200 orphans. The Quad Missile launchers, capable of quelling dissent at 4 miles and 50 calibre chain gun will almost certainly be used to destroy anti-war protestors at the GOP convention this summer.

"We had originally envisioned something a bit more rhetorical - like the Goldberg Girls or the Friends of Bill - but Grand Wizard Rove convinced Vice-President For Life Cheney that something was a bit more necessary in our post-September 11th world," explained campaign flunky Gordon Fulbright Throckwoller-Rainbridge IV. "I think the Exulted Rove the First will be gladdened by our efforts and will reward my staff with the Upper West Side when the Winter Coronation is completed next January. "

Many of the features of the Republican Attack Machine are strictly outlawed by the Geneva Convention. Article IX strictly prohibits the dismembering of enemy dead or the destruction of their corpses for reasons other than health, but there was some dissension within the Bush Camp regarding this.

"Basically we were having problems with the whole 'Road of Bones' thing. Racicot the Esteemed instructed us to pave the road to victory with the bones of our enemies, but since the original goal was rhetoric, well - there were some issues. So the bone thresher was added to the front end last week."

Despite heavy lobbying by the oil industry for an oil powerplant of some variety, the decision was made to go with the slighlty less conventional orphan powered engine.

Working on a principal much like the Seebeck Effect, orphans are connected in the middle and heated to 200 degrees Fahreheit. The dissimilar water content within their bodies boils at different rates, creating a spinning effect that can carry the Republican Attack Machine 30 yards before two more orphans are fed into the powerplant.

"I wish Bar and I had one of these on the trail in 1992," excalimed former president and presidential father George HW Bush. "All we had were some lousy slogans and some inkling of an upcoming election. I probably should have blocked off an extra day to do what my boys like to call 'campaigning.'"

"This is once again a sign of the sheer gall of this campaign," remarked presumptive Democratic Presidential Candidate John Kerry (D - VietNam). "This country is not about attack machines. This country is about families looking for health care, people getting their jobs back from overseas, patrol boats along the Mekong Delta, young men giving up Ivy League existences for a few years so that they can get medals - real medals - in combat, and tossing those medals, with some others, and a handful of ribbons, a letter of commendation and the Director's Cut of Apocalypse Now over the fence surrounding the Capitol. Or so I've heard."

President Bush was having himself fitted for his 100 foot tall Cybernetic Battle Suit and was unavailable for comment.

I'm not sure which side is easier to parady.


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