Friday, June 25, 2004

Membership Benefits

The crappy part of belonging to a large conspiracy is that after a few years, it starts to act like the very bureaucracy that it was designed to bring down.

Back in the 80s, when I was first initiated into the Moral Majority, we were told to march along in lockstep with the President, and everything would be just fine. Later on, I learned about this new outfit we had to join, also.

After a long and arduous admission process, capped with a hazing ritual that I won't even get into (suffice it to say it has a great deal to do with my fear of aluminum foil), I was proudly inducted into the Religious Right. We were told to listen to Hate Radio and our day would come.

Just when I was thinking that my day had come - I'd been a successful caller on two national radio shows and had a fairly well read column in the student paper, along comes the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy. Christ - as if NRA dues weren't enough.

So we're back to standing in line. Back to the admission process, this time with added loyalty oaths to politicians with weird names like "Newt" and corporations that seem to exist only on Forbes Fortune 500 list. Position ourselves within the government, ready ourselves to spring into power, and who comes running along to steal the show during the South Carolina Republican primary? Those jerks from the Old Religious Right. Bastards. Formed some kind of unholy alliance with the remnants of the Moral Majority. I knew that we should have exercised the Memphis Option sooner.

But hey - we're in power (sort of). Bad things happen, worst things happen, positions change, rules change. But we're still in power. You know what happens next - right? We have to join a new group.

"Rapid Response Digital Brown Shirts" Like I have time for this!! You spent a crappy weekend getting spanked by John Tower while chanting "Halliburton Dolum Est" until your Gideon falls apart and tell me if this is worth the chance of one day being able to control world zinc production.

I've had it. There are more levels to this outfit then Scientology.
That has got to be the longest set up for a joke yet on this blog. Thank you Algore, and very special props to the voters of South Miami and Palm Beach - Peace Out!


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