Tuesday, August 17, 2004

The Late 1990's - Before Bushitler Seized Power


  • Gay Marraige was legal in all fifty states.
  • There was 100% employment, all workers enjoyed health and retirement benefits.
  • The United States was a signatory member of the Kyoto Protocols and committed to the reversal of global warming.
  • Arab and Islamic Scholars taught our children about respect for other cultures, obedience to the government and the need for world peace.
  • Abortion was available on-demand, twenty four hours a day, in every state.

  • Jews and Palestinians had agreed to make Jerusalem as a World Heritage Site and began to get down to some serious miscegenation.
  • The Milky Way was observable 180 nights a year from downtown L.A.
  • Writers lived without the fear of being locked up in the Gulag Archipelago and often times scripted powerful anti-governmental screeds.
  • Entertainers would perform live sex acts on stage, often times at local children's theatres to show how important it was to have tolerance for all sexual persuasions.
  • Women had achieved 100% parity in the workplace. Fifty percent of all men chose to remain at home on paternity leave so that their wives could return to their rightful place in the Boardrooms of Fortune 500 companies.

  • Abortion in any trimester was subsidized by the government.
  • Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon were known for their roles in comedies.
  • Iraq was a full member of global society - they enjoyed free elections, unrestricted trade with their neighbors and a comfortable lead in the World Cup.
  • Karl Rove ran a small porno shop in Muncie, Indiana, specializing in barely legal teens and Japanese imports.
  • Clinton's CIA and FBI were running down and squashing terrorist networks globally.

  • Political donations were made only by philanthropists, unemployed multi-media developers and schoolchildren. It was illegal for Corporations to donate to a political candidate.
  • Osama bin Laden was a minor Islamic scholar, unaware that in August of 2001 he would have to drop everything and plan an attack on the U.S. while the president was on vacation.
  • Howard Stern was a respected humorist, on a par with Garrison Keillor and Bill Cosby. He had never been fined by the FCC, ever.
  • It was the official policy of the U.S. Government to prevent the browner nations from having tech sector jobs. All ex-colonials were to work in the fields, under straw hats.
  • Pre-emptively invading Afghanistan would have been a good idea to prevent the NYC attacks, but pre-emptively invading Iraq to prevent the Orlando attacks would have been a bad idea.

I have been waiting months to post this - the first draft was written in March of this year and was last updated in June.

We can all sip from the Kool Aid from time to time.
A far more interesting reply wouldn't be a point by point refutation of each absurdity, but rather a post on the election problem we started to discuss.

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