Friday, June 25, 2004

Pointless Ad Hominem Attack



So he's morbidly obese, incapable of shaving on a twice weekly basis, often appears in public wearing sweats and a t-shirt, but he colors his hair???
I'm just bothered by men who have grey beards but no grey in their hair. Who are they fooling?

AMF

Queen of Denile


The Comfy Chair - A Jarring Chord: "If I were a Conspiracy Theorist..."

'Cmon Shawn what do you mean IF.

Don't get me started on the UN

Membership Benefits


The crappy part of belonging to a large conspiracy is that after a few years, it starts to act like the very bureaucracy that it was designed to bring down.

Back in the 80s, when I was first initiated into the Moral Majority, we were told to march along in lockstep with the President, and everything would be just fine. Later on, I learned about this new outfit we had to join, also.

After a long and arduous admission process, capped with a hazing ritual that I won't even get into (suffice it to say it has a great deal to do with my fear of aluminum foil), I was proudly inducted into the Religious Right. We were told to listen to Hate Radio and our day would come.

Just when I was thinking that my day had come - I'd been a successful caller on two national radio shows and had a fairly well read column in the student paper, along comes the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy. Christ - as if NRA dues weren't enough.

So we're back to standing in line. Back to the admission process, this time with added loyalty oaths to politicians with weird names like "Newt" and corporations that seem to exist only on Forbes Fortune 500 list. Position ourselves within the government, ready ourselves to spring into power, and who comes running along to steal the show during the South Carolina Republican primary? Those jerks from the Old Religious Right. Bastards. Formed some kind of unholy alliance with the remnants of the Moral Majority. I knew that we should have exercised the Memphis Option sooner.

But hey - we're in power (sort of). Bad things happen, worst things happen, positions change, rules change. But we're still in power. You know what happens next - right? We have to join a new group.

"Rapid Response Digital Brown Shirts" Like I have time for this!! You spent a crappy weekend getting spanked by John Tower while chanting "Halliburton Dolum Est" until your Gideon falls apart and tell me if this is worth the chance of one day being able to control world zinc production.

I've had it. There are more levels to this outfit then Scientology.
That has got to be the longest set up for a joke yet on this blog. Thank you Algore, and very special props to the voters of South Miami and Palm Beach - Peace Out!

Thursday, June 24, 2004

If I were a Conspiracy Theorist...


...I would be in overdrive knowing that the Carlyle Group bought Loews Cinemas (and the seller got a damn good profit) just in time to have the theater chain block showings of Farenheit 9/11.

But if they do...
...I'll start kicking and screaming, I swear!

The Illinois Seat


I've been following the Illinois campaign...barely. It's a little odd. From what I gather, Jack Ryan (which one, by the way?
or


— I'm voting for Harrison Ford, although I believe he likes his girls a little thinner (maybe Mary-Kate will eventually get down to an attractive weight for him)) is running for a seat against this guy:


So, I was already having a hard time taking that campaign seriously.
OK, the Mary-Kate crack was a little low, but then again, what do you expect from me. Which reminds me, what do you think they meant by her quote below:

Anniversary


For what it's worth, ten years ago today I left the Navy on a thirty day early out chit.

When I was in DeeCee working on contract gigs, another attorney asked me what the first Gulf War was like. I said that there was a great deal of stress and uncertainty - alot like our job back then. Only we got more sleep during the first Gulf War.



I would add that I no longer have 500 guys watching my back.
Not where I planned to be in the distant future of 2004, but not a bad place to be, either.

Egads


FOXNews.com - Politics - Berkeley May Vote to Legalize Prostitution: "Beyond its symbolic value, the ballot initiative would order the police department to give the 'lowest priority' to enforcing anti-prostitution laws."

Could you imagine being a City of Berkeley Cop? I mean generally not just because of this silly little bill. How could you possibly attempt to enforce the law in a city like Berkeley?
I've been to Berkeley, you can tell you are there because the Winos increase by 300%. Which is a lot considering it is in the Bay Area.

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

!!


From: Don Rops
Sent: Tuesday, June 22, 2004 4:38 PM
To: EVERYONE
Subject: Internet Bandwidth
As part of our network monitoring function, we continue to find sporadic associates using their PC/Workstations to listen to streaming music. This has a huge impact on our corporate bandwidth and network performance. For that reason, several years ago we updated our network and computer usage policy to prohibit the use of streaming music over the network. If we continue to see this kind of activity, we will start notifying managers to address this issue. Please work within the corporate policies as this activity currently hinders numerous people from doing their jobs.


Shit this seriously impacts my listening to hate radio! I guess I'm just gonna have to go back to listening to the voices in my head.

Just another day working for The Man

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

Say it ain't ain't so


Jeri Ryan is in the News.
I know from professional experience the wacky things people say in divorce papers. Let's just hope the clubs had a hidden camera.

O Redux


Apparently the only O face she makes is while driving the porcelain bus.

Yahoo! News - Mary-Kate Olsen Being Treated for Eating Disorder: "LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Teen actress Mary-Kate Olsen, who with her twin sister Ashley has grown into an American pop icon and fashion brand, has entered a program for treatment of a"

Ok maybe that was a bit of a reach.

Daily Show — June 22, 2004


I'll say this about Bill Clinton: his integrity is at its highest when the situation is at its most hypothetical.

And later, during a piece about Dick Cheney:
Mr. Vice President, I have to inform you: your pants are on fire.

— Jon Stewart, en fuego


But the best part of the evening must have been when the guest, who wrote a love-note to the current administration and had it bound in a hard cover discussed the Pre-emption Doctrine with Mr. Stewart. Mr. Stewart said, "Take four criteria: creating weapons of mass destruction, making inflammatory statements against the United States, [something I can't remember], and oppressing their population. The problem is, you can't tell me who I'm talking about."
Jon Stewart: Steady Leadership in Troubled Times.

Holy Flurking Snit


The last thing anyone would call Christopher Hitchens, previously of The Nation is a member of the VRWC. Compare his hatchet job of Reagan in Not Even a Hedgehog: The stupidity of Ronald Reagan which appeared within days of Ronaldus Maximus' demise.

Then Michael Moore came along and announced that he would sue for libel (or slander) any one who dared defame his Magnus Opus, Fahreheit 9/11. Observe:

With Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9/11, however, an entirely new note has been struck. Here we glimpse a possible fusion between the turgid routines of MoveOn.org and the filmic standards, if not exactly the filmic skills, of Sergei Eisenstein or Leni Riefenstahl.

To describe this film as dishonest and demagogic would almost be to promote those terms to the level of respectability. To describe this film as a piece of crap would be to run the risk of a discourse that would never again rise above the excremental. To describe it as an exercise in facile crowd-pleasing would be too obvious. Fahrenheit 9/11 is a sinister exercise in moral frivolity, crudely disguised as an exercise in seriousness. It is also a spectacle of abject political cowardice masking itself as a demonstration of "dissenting" bravery.
[The Rest . . . line your temp directory with asbestos for this one]

I'm through arguing with consiracy theorists and the anti-War Left. Hitch gets himself an honorary membership in the VRWC and free beers at the next meeting.
I suspect that the lad was waiting two years to write that column

Monday, June 21, 2004

Jeans that fit


So you wake up in the morning, on the day you are going into the history books. How do you choose which pair of blue jeans to wear?

I'd have gone for the bibs.

All the News the Government Sees Fit to Print


From the index page of today's NASA's News website:



Click here for the full screen capture


Nobody hates competition more then the government.

Blast off!






De most important thing is de blast off. First I take a blast before I take off.

You'll find no comments here.

Amen, Brother!


"Space flight is not only for governments to do," Rutan said. "Clearly, there's an enormous pent-up huger to fly into space and not just dream about it."

[ . . . ]

"We are heading to orbit sooner than you think," he said. "We do not intend to stay in low-earth orbit for decades. The next 25 years will be a wild ride. ... One that history will note was done for the benefit of everyone."
[More . . . ]

After Mr. Rutan concluded his interview, he urinated on a scale mock-up of the ISS, bitch slapped a Delta Launch vehicle, and bit the heads off two live chickens, which CNN later learned were named Goldin and O'Keefe.
The typo in the above quote is theirs, not mine. Just another fine example of why we don't trust the national media anymore.

Sunday, June 20, 2004

A Tale of Two Dummies


ST. PAUL, Minn. - A Northwest Airlines flight that was headed to Rapid City, S.D., landed a few miles off course at Ellsworth Air Force Base, and passengers had to wait in the plane for more than three hours while their crew was interrogated.

[ . . . ]

"He (the pilot) hemmed and he hawed and he said 'We have landed at an Air Force base a few miles from the Rapid City airport and now we are going to figure out how we're going to get from here to there,'" Morrell told the St. Paul Pioneer Press by cell phone during the delay Saturday.
[More . . . ]


Maybe I was a little hasty in recommending that we let these guys be armed while flying. We might even consider letting them a have little drink before take-off, too.

OTOH, how the hell did Ellsworth AFB let a large airliner (read: weapon in the wrong hands) get so close to them as to let them land?
*My* outfit would've never let this happen. Of course, in my outfit, the runways are 1200 feet long and move at 30 knots